Dear Misfit,Every morning you wake up, I know it is as hard for you to adjust your eyes to daylight after being blurred by the visuals of your past that stream in as nightmares. The sunlight kisses you good morning but you are in no mood of giving the favour back. It’s just another day for you- another episode you unfortunately survived (at least that’s what you tell yourself). You groan and climb out of bed, turn loud music on so that it numbs all the ruckus around you. You gulp your coffee down and step under the shower trying to scrub yesterday out of your hairs.
The heavy-metal in the background can do nothing to penetrate through the cobwebs of delusion in your mind.I see you lurking like a shadow in the corridors of the college you probably never wanted to attend. You hate it when they pull those loose strands of hair and ruin the braid you wasted an hour in perfecting.
You detest it when the bully would throw juice on your white sweatshirt or smudge your sneakers. You can’t stand stains; you simply can’t. I see you looking distant and pensive at the argon lamps by your bedside, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. I love how you like decorating yourself- those broad chokers and intricately designed bracelets truly reflect your style. At the same time, I do not like the fact that you use them to conceal marks of those self-inflicted abrasions. Despite the thick makeup, your eyes are dark-rimmed, haunted and sad. Trust me, I can see right through you.
The Tourette’s Syndrome suffocates you from within. You purposely ostracize yourself from the party next door because a crowd so full of acquaintances is too much for you to take. You shrug your shoulders and nod your head vehemently when they whisper, “Are you alright?”. I see you sighing in agreement, afraid that they might judge you if they know what it is. You fear the touch, their strut of sympathy to garner attention. You put on earphones or pretend to sleep in the backseat of the cab while travelling back home, desperately trying to escape reality. You find solace in fantasizing about your kind of Neverland. You term yourself an existential crisis, and it hurts to see you this way.
Pretentious interactions on the dinner table do not fascinate you. You wonder how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other. You would rather stand in front of the mirror and scrutinize your acne-spots or the uni-brow that isn’t even there or that unwanted space between your upper incisors. Content that you are a flawed, imperfect and distorted misfit, you tic once more and head towards the bed, blending into the world of stereotypes and libertines.Now that you are sleeping, let me enter the realm of your visions and tell you something. The sun cant stop the storm from coming, the tree can’t blame the axe. The black sheep, the odd duck, the rejects, the eccentrics and the forgotten- more often than not, these people have the most beautiful souls.
Do not hide your wounds. Flaunt them like battle-scars. When you fantasize about a fairyland, imagine yourself as the protagonist and not a sidekick. Believe in yourself a little more. Know that you aren’t ordinary.
Don’t just exist; thrive. Remember those glimpses from the past- remember that they will show you what not to bring into the future. Breathe and let go.
You are stronger than they know you to be. You have fought and endured. You have proved that a damsel in distress waiting for her knight in shining-armor is old-school now. You wield the Vorpal sword that can incapacitate a million jabberwockies. I know the secrets buried in the deepest, darkest recesses of your soul and how you try to dissolve those with caffeine. Also, I believe in you.
I believe that a woman won’t let anything affect her unless she wants it to. Prove it. Assume that you are the only person on earth who can use her ability. Remember how you survived those afternoons that introduced you to evil.
Build stairways in your mind. At the end of the stairways, imagine high, airy rooms with big windows that allow cold breeze to stream in. Let one room open brightly onto another room until you have built a house- a house wherein you can dispose all your insecurities and head towards the tomorrow you deserve. Treat yourself to the finer essence of life through food. Let the sunlight seep in you every morning you wake up. Enjoy the voices of children playing outside rather than your playlist.
Life throws challenges and every challenge comes with vigour to conquer it. Expunge the darkness and head towards the intersection of lights and life. I believe in you. I know you, because I am a part of you, resting deep down, waiting to be rekindled.
Believe you can and you are halfway there. Love,Conviction.